By: Sade Bradford-Bond
I recently read an article about a popular reality TV star
who did not raise her biological children. Controversy has swarmed after a
recent “revelation” that the stars’ children may have been raised in foster
care. The reactions that I reviewed were, unsurprisingly negative, angry, and
outright hurtful towards this star.
I do not pretend to know the details about what happened or
what caused this star to not raise her biological children. Those details,
perhaps for the sake of this article, are not relevant. What I find most
interesting is how popular culture in America tends to view biological parents
who lose their children to the foster care system as villains, especially
mothers. After working in social services for some time, I cannot express how
nauseated I’ve become after witnessing the ill treatment of biological parents
fighting to get their children out of foster care, especially mothers.
I’m reminded of a meeting that I participated in regarding a
mother who was attempting to regain custody of her child. This woman was
visibly upset at the meeting, sitting at a table of professionals who offered
no sympathy nor empathy for what she was experiencing. I observed her shrink back
in her chair, noting that she felt, “intimated,” and overwhelmed by everyone in
the room. The Case Worker spoke coldly and harshly to her and didn’t even
flinch when this mother began to sob excessively about her decisions, her son,
and her desire to make things right. In fact, not one professional in the room
tasked with serving this mother and her son, appeared to be moved with enough
compassion to offer this mother a tissue.
The primary reason why children are removed from their
biological parents is due to abuse and neglect. Once parents’ lose custody of
their children, they are somehow labeled as, “bad parents,” and that stain and
stigma seems to never go away. I believe that people make bad decisions everyday
that they often times live to regret. Without condoning or excusing poor life
choices, I also believe that parents who have lost custody of their children
should not be made to feel guilty and ashamed for their mistakes. There is
absolutely no dispute that every situation is different and custody loss is often
times warranted to keep children safe. But should these parents be ridiculed
and berated for making bad choices? Should the memory of foster care act as a
ghost summoned by spectators to haunt these parents forever?
In the case of this reality TV star, I feel sad for her, her
children, and any family involved in this very private situation that has been
thrust into the public arena. To this mother, I say continue to pursue
healing and forgive yourself. To her children, I say, continue to move forward
with your life and if you desire, find a way to connect with your mother in a
healthy and functional way. And to opinionated spectators, I say, “Stop Bashing
Bio-Parents!” People make mistakes and hopefully, these parents can reform and
take the opportunity to learn from the things that they did wrong so that they
can make better and more informed decisions in the future.
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